Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
