Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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