I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
