If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
