I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
