And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
