Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize