when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
