hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
