so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
