bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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