I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
