I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
