I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
