so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
