please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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