I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
