so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
