you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
