I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
