You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
