Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
