this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
