my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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