Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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