He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You can't just leave with hair like that
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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