The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
