I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
