shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
