She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
