You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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