i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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