This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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