What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
