so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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