I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
