im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
