the condom got lost in my hair
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
