I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
As shirtless as possible
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
