Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
