took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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