she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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