Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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