The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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