why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
