I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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