I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
