dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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