im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
