i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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