I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
