I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
