I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
