Dude my mom stole all your condoms
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
