Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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