get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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