Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found the puke drawer
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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