What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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