She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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