Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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