tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
