My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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