I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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